Dear Pearl,

We have been playing Christmas carols all morning, Pearl, in preparation for the charity holiday buffet we are hosting this weekend for the Glee Club. Oh, the sopranos are in fine shape (thank you for asking). We are raising money to help the altos with the hefty legal fees they've incurred recently. I've been sworn most strenuously to secrecy. But I can say that almost the entire section has been implicated in a larynx loosening scandal. Some say nearly half of the singers we know as altos are, in fact, true sopranos who have deepened their voices using illegal lozenges provided by the unscrupulous voice coach Sing Sing Song. He has promoted the idea that an alto voice is much preferred by wealthy men seeking a lifetime companion. Why the girls fell for such nonsense is beyond me! Everyone knows that Ari was completely besotted with Maria Callas until she stopped singing! And what about Marilyn Monroe's high squeaky little voice? Men were completely gaga over her! At any rate, the Glee Club is struggling to perform its evening Christmas Sing-A-Long's without harmony. Talk about Silent Night!

I Remain Your Devoted Miss Blue